My life is here now



It was sometime during my first week at my new post, the hospital. It was sometime after I began to feel a sense of fulfilment in what I was doing. It was sometime after I finished a morning shift, in between heading back to the apartment and pausing to reflect after I had gone to the place “where prices are down and staying down.” Unlike most Melbourne days, there weren’t much clouds in the sky. The horizon was so clear that one could actually see the stark difference of colours in the sky as the sun was taking a bow. (DAMN MY KEYBOARD IS MAKING ME TYPE IN BRITISH ENGLISH) Buckets of orange, red, yellow and blue splattered amid the towering buildings. People were, in a quick but still relaxed pace, crossing the street and heading into the old Flinders station. Trams keot passing by while the Yarra river stood still as always. And I sat still too. I was on the steps of the bustling Fed square, taking it all in. 

Then this calm and simultaneously joyous feeling swept through me - MY LIFE IS HERE NOW. This is my home now. 

It was magical, almost, because I felt like I as a person was expanding and stabilizing at the same time. 

Almost instantly though, I was hit by the bittersweet realization - I will be missing out on the little but crucial things and poignant meaningful moments in the lives of the loved ones I’ve left behind in Manila. However forceful the emotion, it was also fleeting. After all, this is what I wanted.

I have been granted permanent residency so I can officially say Im from here. (And no one can force me to leave!) I am finally able to contribute in securing my family’s future, able to ensure my mom can retire soon, able to give back to my parents, albeit small in comparison, what they have so lovingly and generously given me. The beginning of a more-than-comfortable life is here. And not far down the road, I can proudly call myself a writer again. Altogether, my dreams are coming true. 

The grass may not always be greener on the other side, but I believe that in life, there will always be things we will miss and things we want but cannot have. At the end of the day, what matters is keeping the things you cannot bare to miss and going after the things we not only want but also very much need. 

I think the whole process of that, the dreaming, the continuous pursuit and the sustenance defines who we are. 

I guess that makes me driven.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Quarantine diary - Day 13

Image
In a vacant promenade, under the white fluorescent lights, with the fresh breeze, I danced like no one was watching.  There were 3 sections cordoned off to facilitate social distancing whilst providing ample room to walk and stretch. Lady Gaga played in my ears and there I felt the urge to extend my arms and legs as far as they would allow me. I wondered how much space I could take up. So I started with what looked like warrior 3 poses then took it up a notch by shifting to dancers pose except my hands didn’t support my lower limbs. Gradually, I transitioned to taking the widest strides possible while letting my arms radiate to the side and sway. The past months have been the most excruciatingly painful time of my life. My heart ached every single day; some days I wondered if my ulcer had returned and I would take Omeprazole but would not find any relief. Sleeping used to be my escape and solace. But my mind was busy and scattered and even when I thought I wasn’t thinking,...
Read more

the pseudo-person

(for November 22) I dont usually converse through text with people I don't know or haven't met but for this particular person I made an exception. Honestly I felt weird replying to a person who was a somewhat stranger. I mean, sure he's the best friend of one of my good friends, but still, I don't like operating on those terms. But he made sense and surprisingly enough he didn't bore me and drove me off to sleep. By the time we'd been talking for over a week, I felt like I had a bogus friend, a figment of my imagination that resulted as a way for compensating my lack of college guy friends I could talk to on a regular basis. And I don't know. there's just this certain thrill spilling information to a pseudo stranger, or someone whom you haven't met. I mean, what harm could it possibly bring right. He was, i mean is, taking up psychology as his pre-medicine course. He told me that he had a 10hour week schedule. Upon learning this I felt like questioni...
Read more

So I gave slam poetry a go

When I was a girl I was filled with a mountain of fallacies and superstitions Mommy said she thought kissing a guy would lead to impregnation That her first kiss was at the altar, sealing God’s permission And so I went through teenage years hiding any sign I was a girl Binding my breasts with cloth so my femininity wouldn't unfurl The thought of being in a relationship would make me hurl My grandma said to ward off men I should wear a pearl They said That to men women owed their devotion Keep the house tidy , tend to chores, love without condition If my husband looks away, it's my duty to do whatever means to make him stay They preached my best strategy is to pray, pray and pray And hope he comes home at the end of the day That marriage should be girls primary aspiration And bearing a child was life's greatest fruition And divorce would inevitably lead to society's condemnation  If your child turned out to be gay, that just means he's gone astray...
Read more