Till Our Next Meeting

In a vacant promenade, under the white fluorescent lights, with the fresh breeze, I danced like no one was watching.  There were 3 sections cordoned off to facilitate social distancing whilst providing ample room to walk and stretch. Lady Gaga played in my ears and there I felt the urge to extend my arms and legs as far as they would allow me. I wondered how much space I could take up. So I started with what looked like warrior 3 poses then took it up a notch by shifting to dancers pose except my hands didn’t support my lower limbs. Gradually, I transitioned to taking the widest strides possible while letting my arms radiate to the side and sway. The past months have been the most excruciatingly painful time of my life. My heart ached every single day; some days I wondered if my ulcer had returned and I would take Omeprazole but would not find any relief. Sleeping used to be my escape and solace. But my mind was busy and scattered and even when I thought I wasn’t thinking,...

If one day I find the courage to love again, it will be someone as incredible as my dad. I realise it’s Fathers’ Day today in most countries including the Philippines. Almost as quickly, came this gentle wave of gratitude and blessedness for my own father and how he reared me and my siblings. (Mom, if you’re reading this, don’t be jealous. You know I love you equally and if you scroll down a bit you’ll see a poem I wrote for you. Dad doesn’t have one.)  Interestingly, the holiday came to conception after a daughter campaigned for it for years as a way to honor her single dad. It actually wasn’t nationally recognised in the US until 58 years after the first official Mothers’ Day.  My dad wasn’t a single dad though. (As marvellous as he is, he couldn’t have done it without my mom who called at least once a day and flew nearly 8000km every 4 months to see us. ) But dad had his hands full with us majority of the year and he was an all-a-rounder. He would wake up early to ...

The quarantine has been tough and isolating. But surprisingly, I don’t really feel that lonely.  Writing has been healing and I find myself losing track of time.  I was recently reminded of Ikigai - a strong sense of purpose in life. The intersection point where your your gift, your passion and the world's needs meet.  If I’m being honest, I felt quite alienated the past 19 months. Maybe it’s an idealistic or romantic thing to say but I never felt that cosmic sense of belonging whilst living overseas. Every few weeks, it would overwhelm me and there I was, tucked away, hiding in the sluice at work or the treatment room while I attempted to regain composure. I was desperate to feel a sense of ikigai and have something I can say was truly mine.  Growing up, I was very good at being a lone wolf and doing things on my own. And then I found a fellow lone wolf in Charm and after I moved to Australia, I found my pack. Somehow, even if I was fully capable of doing th...

  Determined to make this day way more productive than yesterday, I got up shortly after my eyes fully opened. I put the kettle on and while waiting for it to boil, I dove into meditation. Just 10 minutes to recalibrate myself and seek some clarity and direction for the day. Coffee, news, final edits, phone calls and before I knew it, lunch had arrived. But really, I couldn’t wait to get all these done so that I could have this moment where I could just write.  Writing has now become my therapy. I practically spent the whole day writing only interrupted  by toilet needs, quick bites, the usuals and a quick exercise. I spent the day figuring out how to answer Cam and Ella’s theory that our preferences in men/ dating are largely predetermined or influenced by our upbringing and worldview. I wrote a separate entry for that.  After a sumptuous Asian-inspired salad, I heard some loud, almost angry-sounding knocking on my door. I am this close to writing a formal co...

Every time the phone rang, I stared at it probably the way cyclops did towards something he emit laser beam on.   I really did not want to leave the bed. Really. I wanted to hold a day of protest and just be lazy. Minimal effort, complete energy efficiency.  Well I knew I had to apply for jobs and I did end up sending in applications but the point is, I spent practically the whole day in bed. On my laptop, on video calls with friends and family, reading while drinking tea and coffee but not too much so I wouldn’t have to go to the toilet often. I eventually had to get up as I started to worry about developing a DVT. After all COVID can thicken the blood and we’re all more prone. And my body needed some stretching and exercise.  But yea, very lazy day today. Not much to report. No deep or disturbing or profound thoughts either. Apart from how somebody in the kitchen is definitely obsessed with desiccated coconut! And how the lunches are terrific and always better th...

Today was the long-awaited day I get 15 minutes of fresh air and freedom!!! A good part of the morning was spent daydreaming on placed I’d like to travel to. Then I got my dose of healing through meditation and yoga. I proceeded to watch video essays (with extra enthusiasm).   The last hour leading up to this highly-coveted 15 minutes went by excruciatingly slowly. I kept myself occupied by reading “On The Road,” which is supposedly my favourite book but now I’m not so sure seeing a I dozed off twenty minutes into it. I woke up to a harsh knock on the door which signalled lunch delivery. I had half of this amazing Mediterranean salad - half because I wanted to save some for later. (It’s this thing that I do). Lunches are better than dinners at this particular hotel, or so I’ve noticed.  Before long, the clock struck 1330 and it was time. HALLELUIAH! After layering up and putting my shoes on, we proceeded to take the lift to the concierge. 'We' was me and Siddharthreddy, m...

A COVID19 Change Up. How the pandemic gave me clarity.  Thinking of titles for this little collection.  *Deep coma* It was 11 AM when I was finally able to keep my eyes open. Restavit saved the night and allowed me 12 hours of deep slumber. I felt a 40 percent groggy and 60 percent refreshed. But I hadn't slept over 4 hours in a month so altogether, it was good! Today was going to be a good one! I finally found the strength and focus to edit my resume and write a few cover letters. I’ve applied for 2 jobs! And I am very very keen on one particular job. It has been at least 120 hours since I’ve felt and breathed fresh air. And while I have managed to keep myself “busy,” I cannot deny the fact that that is the longest time I have gone without that vital source of chi. Or at least fresh source of chi. It has occurred to me however that you cannot fixate on this fact because you have absolutely no control over it or when they will grant you a fresh air break. And I keep remi...

Loud knocking on the door. I was roused by very loud, almost angry, knocking on my door. I got up, disorientated. How many hours of sleep did I get? I wrapped and tied my robe for some  percent of decency. Never mind my glasses… I can’t really see clearly. I open the door and saw this middle-eastern-looking security guard with a high-visibility vest on, beaming with a big smile, saying “Your stuff is here!” He looked so excited. so excited. I look down and was greeted by two bags that figuratively said “Welcome home, you are loved.” Never mind that I only slept for 4 hours. I had these goodies including instant noodles (!!!), bath bombs and my new MacBook.  Shortly thereafter, a team of nurses appeared on my front door and asked to swab me. That nasopharyngeal swab was a bitch.  A few hours later, I received my welfare check call from the government (separate from the daily checks done by the nurses to ask if I had developed any COVID symptoms). The man on the other...

June 10    A few pages to the left (I initially hand wrote these entries on my journal) and a few months ago, I wrote that I took comfort in the saying, “She’ll be apples.” It was another version of a reassurance that  "I will be okay." Because by that time, I will be more prepared to deal with the chaos that comes with my choice.  That time is technically now.  I arrived to the Pan Pacific hotel after more than 30 hours of transit from Newport to London to Doha then Melbourne. I had worn a tight-fitting mask and breathed artificial and condensed air for long hours. My carbon dioxide levels were probably high. As soon as we got off the plane, we were escorted to each step at the airport : submission of three documents we filled in on the plane, immigration, baggage collection, customs then straight to the bus.  I got to my 5-star hotel room, complete with a queen bed next to a king single bed donned with soft white sheets and plush pillows, a fancy b...