Quarantine Diary - Day 1 (aka the start of a new chapter)

June 10 

 

A few pages to the left (I initially hand wrote these entries on my journal) and a few months ago, I wrote that I took comfort in the saying, “She’ll be apples.” It was another version of a reassurance that "I will be okay." Because by that time, I will be more prepared to deal with the chaos that comes with my choice. 



That time is technically now. 

I arrived to the Pan Pacific hotel after more than 30 hours of transit from Newport to London to Doha then Melbourne. I had worn a tight-fitting mask and breathed artificial and condensed air for long hours. My carbon dioxide levels were probably high. As soon as we got off the plane, we were escorted to each step at the airport : submission of three documents we filled in on the plane, immigration, baggage collection, customs then straight to the bus. 


I got to my 5-star hotel room, complete with a queen bed next to a king single bed donned with soft white sheets and plush pillows, a fancy bath and floor-to-ceiling windows that provided a semi-panoramic view of Melbourne skyline. I was panting and my arms hurt from dragging my luggage from the lift, across the hallway to my room. No, there were hotel staff around me but they couldn’t help because I was one of the “untouchables.” Guess what the first thing I did after I put down my luggage and shut the door. I had a meltdown. 


My zen self who emerged from Yin Yoga teacher training last February would not have been very pleased. (But then everything is ok according to Yin. It’s just the first arrow)


I was exhausted and sleep-deprived for nearly a month. And while I had some sense of gratitude to be back home in Melbourne and for The Australian government’s efforts to keep us all safe, It had finally sunk in that I will be stuck in this room for 14 days. QUARANTINE AGAIN. I think it annoyed me that this is round two - I had COVID back in early March and was in home isolation for 2 weeks. It sunk in that I will be alone with myself and mob thoughts and the first thought that crept its way in was good old doubt. Maybe you should’ve stuck it out a bit longer in the UK, saved up and secured a job before this big move, waited for the pandemic to blow over? That meltdown turned into a raging panic attack that lasted a solid 15 minutes, maybe more. It was put to rest by my best friend, Charm’s calm voice and by good advice to take a shower.


The warm water soothed my aching muscles, my anxious nerves and my tired spirit.


Two hours later, after reading the COVID-19 Mandatory Quarantine guidelines that sort of outlined everything to expect during our stay here (finding out the care package that family and friends can send to you prohibits any form of alcohol or liquor), and then inspecting the food & drink option and discovering that the cheapest bottle of wine was 60 dollars, also no option to order a glass… My second meltdown ensued. (I couldn't help thinking that I shot the second arrow; see the Buddhism story on the two arrows)


Funnily enough, my best friend sent me a message as I got off the plane, describing me as a strong, steadfast and resilient person.  (Not right now I'm not)


I bit the bullet, told the world to suck it and ordered a bottle of wine. At 6 am, shortly after one glass, I fell into deep slumber. 


Those meltdowns needed to happen; I needed them. After all, I had been saying that I’ve had a blocked chakra for the past weeks and I just needed a release. Crying was cathartic and cleansing. 


I woke up to day 1 feeling renewed. 



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