Quarantine diary - Day 11

The quarantine has been tough and isolating. But surprisingly, I don’t really feel that lonely. 

Writing has been healing and I find myself losing track of time. 

I was recently reminded of Ikigai - a strong sense of purpose in life. The intersection point where your your gift, your passion and the world's needs meet. 

If I’m being honest, I felt quite alienated the past 19 months. Maybe it’s an idealistic or romantic thing to say but I never felt that cosmic sense of belonging whilst living overseas. Every few weeks, it would overwhelm me and there I was, tucked away, hiding in the sluice at work or the treatment room while I attempted to regain composure. I was desperate to feel a sense of ikigai and have something I can say was truly mine. 

Growing up, I was very good at being a lone wolf and doing things on my own. And then I found a fellow lone wolf in Charm and after I moved to Australia, I found my pack. Somehow, even if I was fully capable of doing things on my own, they reminded me I didn’t have to and actually it’s so much fun sharing it with other people. I didn’t quite get that in Wales and I found myself, a 30 year old who knows who she is and what she wants, yet still trying to fit in. 

There was that and the realisation that you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely. Because you couldn’t quite be fully...you. 

It’s no wonder that I picked up shifts unnecessarily. I worked full time plus agency work. Then when the physical exhaustion would catch up to me, there were mornings when I did not even want to get up. 

So having spent feeling alienated in a different city and so extremely lonely for a long time... being stuck in four walls in Melbourne soil isn’t so bad. It’s still less isolating because at least, my life here is mine and the past 11 days, I've woken up everyday with a sense of ikigai.